A Dark Place

I'm back at my writing desk after a few days taking care of my sick family. I took two work days as well.

I enjoy the freedom of working from home and when I start my next career (writing) it will be from a studio at home. Freedom, baby.

These last couple of days I have been reflecting on the post that Leanna put up about finding the dark place within yourself to go for a PR. Do you ever set records when you are thinking sunshine and lollipops? No, I figured not. It's another kind of feeling that rises up. It's almost like anger mixed with a bit of fear. A surge of adrenaline in your veins as you approach the bar. It sits there, unmoved by your desire. I can feel it in my heart when my fingers wrap around the knurling of the bar, where so many have been before - their stories of victory and defeat has worn the bar a bit smooth. You cannot be anything less than completely committed to the objective. If you have your max weight on the bar and you intend to squat for five, you better fix it in your mind that you will do it. Firm up your body, place your feet properly, take in that deep breath, and then do it. The descent can sometimes be hell because at the very bottom when you are in deep, it takes an effort of strength and will to get that bar to rise up again. And when you do it, the short lived relief gives way to fear again as you know that it's time to do it again. And again. And again. Pushing those feelings down deep and summoning something else that doesn't like the sunlight. The primal instinct is powerful and determined. The instinct will not be denied. Blisters on your hands? Can't feel that. Bar digging into your back? Suck it up. There have been WODs were the thing that got me through was this hostile takeover of my mind and body with these emotions. I am not Iceman when I'm pushing through the wall. I don't feel the cool, emotionless surety of my goal. It's a burning mission to succeed.

Not every WOD is like this. In fact, for a long time I didn't have the capacity to push through with that kind of intensity. When I first started, finishing was enough of a challenge. I certainly wasn't going to make it any harder by attempting personal records. And I have my favourite exercises. I do well with the squat and the deadlift. Pullups are difficult and the box jump sucks the life out of me. I want to write the names of mountains on the boxes - Everest, K2, and Mt. McKinley. I jump as fast as I can like I'm swallowing bad tasting medicine. And I'm not defeated. I swear that I will box jump the 56 inch. I think Coach keeps in locked up in the back, like a tiger that might escape it's cage and hurt someone.

There is so much more to do.

Saturday

21 - 15 - 9
Deadlifts 185lb
Ring dips

As many squats in 2 minutes (level 1- 80) I did 80

Tuesday

1-10 10-1
Deadlift 135lb
Box jump
Pushup